It's okay to NOT be okay (even when you're pregnant).

I had huge dreams for this pregnancy. Knowing full well it may be my last, I imagined it being the pinterest-perfect pregnancy with witty weekly 'bump-date' photos, tied with a pink ribbon and exploding with rainbow farts.

Instead, it has been plagued with tunnel-vision panic attacks, heightened anxiety, feelings of worthlessness (both as a wife and a mother), triggers of past emotional abuse, lack of interest in things I usually love, and oceans of tears.

For several months, I blamed it all on ever-raging hormones and lack of sleep. But when it got to the point where I was coming home after work most days crying and passing up time with my son to lay in bed, I knew I'd had enough and something was wrong. Wasn't I supposed to be feeling giddy, glowing, and grateful beyond all measure?

Many women and doctors talk about postpartum depression and describe it as a fairly typical reaction after delivery. What we rarely hear about though, is prenatal depression. In fact, I had never heard of it at all until after a venting session with one of my sweetest friends. She mentioned it and that a couple of her other girlfriends had had some significant depression issues while pregnant. I started researching right away.

I learned that "between 14-23% of women will struggle with some symptoms of depression during pregnancy" and like all mood disorders, it is an illness caused by chemicals (or lack thereof) in the brain. During pregnancy hormones and chemicals are flying around like crazy, so it should really come as no surprise that some of us once jubilantly preggo women will suddenly become empty shells of ourselves.

There are several triggers that are the chemical-altering culprits to prenatal depression. Some of these include relationship problems, family or personal history of anxiety or depression, infertility treatments, previous pregnancy loss, stressful life events, pregnancy complications or history of abuse/trauma.

To many, these things may seem like normal life events we all go and grow through. And they are. But to someone with a chemical imbalance in the brain + one or more of these events, they become overwhelming, suffocating, life-darkening demons.

I was officially diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Disorder in college, though I know I suffered from it for years before then. I have been on various anxiety medications since that diagnosis. I was also the victim a painfully emotional and verbally abusive relationship (before I met my superman of a husband!). And let's face it, life as a special education teacher comes with a package deal of stress and immeasurable joy.

For some reason this time around, the chemicals in my brain and storm of hormones latched onto those experiences and sent me down the rabbit hole.

When I finally decided enough was ENOUGH I called my OG/GYN. Without hesitation, he referred me to a licensed therapist and within days I had an appointment on the books. The funny (but really not so funny) thing about anxiety and depression is that they play with the same chemicals - serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. So, you could have one without the other. Likewise, most anxiety medications also treat depression and vice versa. Since I was already taking an anxiety medication, logically it should have also been treating any prenatal depression I was feeling. Well, clearly that was not the case.

Last week I went in for my first therapy session. It felt strange at first, just word-vomiting to a stranger about my entire life. The ups, downs, flaws, tragedies, facts, mistakes, etc. But after a while, I started to actually feel BETTER. Yes, I was in tears half the time I was talking to her, but I didn't feel like I was burdening or annoying her with the jumble of emotions in my mind, like I had when I tried to talk to my close friend or husband. Not that they weren't great listeners or didn't care, they did! I simply felt like a burden to them and the anxiety and depression would spit a fire of lies on repeat if I thought about talking to them about it again.

Last week I was diagnosed with prenatal depression.

Last week I was told "it's okay to not be okay (even when you're pregnant)".

Last week I FINALLY saw a glimmer of hope.

Last week I started to feel like myself again.

I know each day is going to be a battle and some days will be much worse than others. But I also know, there is a name and a reason for what I'm going through and I'm not alone in it, no matter how often my brain tries to tell me I am. There is a beautiful baby girl growing inside of me and she deserves a mom who is going to take care of herself. There is a sweet, charismatic toddler boy running up and down the halls of our house who deserves a mom who pays attention to him instead of hiding in a cocoon of sadness and self-pity.

There will be more tears. There will be mornings when I don't want to get out of bed. There will be days I wonder if I'm worthy to be called 'wife' or 'mom'. There will be emotional triggers and progress reports, and IEP meetings, and stress.

But there will also be the knowledge that it's okay to not be okay. Even when I'm pregnant.

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