Bad Mom. Great Onion Rings.

Charina Urban
Jun 28, 2017
3 min read

Tonight, for the first time in ages, I went out with a girlfriend after work. We had dinner, a few drinks, and excellent conversation. I laughed. A LOT. I ate my food when it was still warm and steaming. I engaged in conversation that did not completely revolve around the consistency of poop or formula to water ratios. I gave my opinion about dozens of topics and shared the true, raw emotions I have experienced as a first time mom. I simply got to be me.

My role in this life, first and foremost, is to be a mother. And I have tried in my short nine months of being one, to be the absolute best one possible. And in trying to do so, I think that at times I have forgotten I was someone else before I was a mother. That I still am someone besides a mother. I am a wife, a friend, a sister, and several other insert-able adjectives.

In also trying to work full time, go to school, be a wife who cooks and attempts to keep the house somewhat tidy, I have often lost sight however, that I was and am, also just ME.

I hardly ever go out with friends or have girls nights or do much of anything for myself really.

In fact, doing something for myself now involves just getting in bed before nine and successfully reading a whole chapter of a book I started three months ago before falling asleep.

But here's the kicker.

The few times I have managed to make it through a full chapter or enjoy a hot dinner without tag teaming my husband, I feel as guilty as the Kardashian sisters are fake.

So yes. Tonight, at every moment I started to finally relax and feel like I was just 'Charina' again, it came with a ping of guilt and a little voice saying, "you should be at home with your kid you terrible, selfish mother".

I felt guilty for having fun. I felt guilty for missing bath-time and not reading to my son before he fell asleep. I felt guilty for being glad to be out of the house and having actual adult interactions that weren't just office banter. I felt guilty for simply being so happy and not having my hair pulled out of my head every five minutes.

Please don't get me wrong. I LOVE MY SON. I would not do anything in the world to change the fact that he is part of my life. He is my reason for getting up in the morning and the majority of my Instagram posts.

But if I'm also 100% completely honest, there is something about motherhood that is completely EXHAUSTING. Well it's not just something, it's a dozen things wrapped up into one tiny human that requires your care and attention pretty much twenty-four hours seven days a week.

And yet, even while being out of the house and enjoying being with my friend I couldn't stop thinking about said tiny human that finds it more entertaining to push the trash can around than play with his singing rotating toys. I had to make sure said tiny human had been picked up from day care on time. I needed to know he had been fed and bathed and that everything had been put into the baby tracker app. I needed the reassurance and validation that I could be a good mom while also going out with a friend and spending a few hours as just the woman in the black dress sipping the Sauvignon Blanc.

Being a mother is both the most joyous and most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I have never felt so elatedly happy and downright lonely as being the first mom out of my friend group. I struggle with making time for the things I enjoyed doing before I had a baby and carrying on the relationships I had with the friends who are not yet parents. I blame no one; we are all in different stages of our lives and it is difficult to understand the responsibilities of having a child if you don't have one.

But tonight I think I realized that I can't continue trying to be the best mom to Pax, if I don't first try to be the best to myself. And I don't mean that in a selfish way. I simply mean that if I constantly exclude myself from people I enjoy being around and doing things that make me happy I will eventually lose myself.

Adults need adult human interaction. Women need seemingly pointless banter with other women. Even moms need a few hours in a crowded hipster restaurant with a good friend and salty onion rings.

And yes. I guess that even includes this momma.